The Golden Trio Discovers FanFiction
by Aaya123Woods
Summary: Um, guys? This is total bull. YOU PAIRED ME AND VOLDEMORT? YOU PAIRED ME AND THE TWINS? The Golden Trio discover FanFiction, and more importantly, ships. Hilarity ensues.
1. Swooning and Skeeter

It was two years after the war, and Ginny was out with her friends. They were to be gone the whole day, so Harry had dragged Hermione and Ron to admire his new computer.

He and Ron were chatting, while Hermione poked around on the new computer. She wasn't really paying attention, when something caught her eye: **Read Harry Potter fanfiction.**

"Guys, look at this," Hermione said. Ron had long since figured out computers, and both he and Harry scooted their chairs closer, saying, "What?"

"What's a fanfiction?" asked Ron.

"It's when you read a book or watch a movie or something and then write a story about it," said Hermione. "I used to write them all the time."

Ron contemplated this. "Muggles are weird."

"Well, let's see," said Harry, leaning over and clicking on the link.

* * *

There was a lot of different genres, but they were morbidly curious about the ones labeled 'Romance.'

The first one was about Harry and Ginny.

"No! I don't want to read this!" shouted Ron.

"Open it, Hermione."

The title was Quidditch and Flowers.

**Harry caught the snitch quickly.**

**It had been quite a boring game, against Hufflepuff, and they were so far behind the Gryffindors didn't really try hard at all.**

Harry smirked. Gryffindors would've tried hard anyway.

**When Harry landed, he saw Ginny talking to Alicia, and couldn't help but hurry over.**

**"Hi Ginny," he said breathlessly.**

**"Hi, Harry," she answered, smiling. The sight of her perfect smile made his knees weak and his head spin.**

"Wait, what?" protested Harry. "I do not swoon over girls' smiles!"

"They got you there, mate!" laughed Ron, punching his shoulder.

"Every time you saw Ginny for a month after you got engaged, you would get this weird dorky grin on your face," explained Hermione, chuckling.

**"Can I talk to you?" asked Harry. "Alone?" he added, with a glance at Alicia.**

**Alicia smiled and left.**

**"Harry, what-"**

**"Ginny, I love you."**

**"What?"**

**"I love you with all my heart and soul. I would die for you. And if you say no to me now, I won't be able to live without you close."**

Ron was hysterical with laughter, and Hermione had to stop to finish laughing. Harry was bright red and covering his face with his hands.

**Ginny smiled at him.**

**"I love you too, Harry."**

**And then they kissed passionately, and when they had finished, they walked into the sunset, hand in hand, smelling like flowers.**

**END.**

"Guys?" said Harry weakly. It was a lost cause. They were supporting each other, shaking with laughter.

"Fine!" cried Harry. He pulled the laptop to him. "I guess I'll just find one about you guys."

Harry began searching desperately for something to humiliate the two behind him.

"Aha!" he finally yelled. "I will be reading and you, Hermione, will be weeping."

She glanced at him disbelievingly.

"Can't be that bad," muttered Ron.

Hermione suddenly remembered that this was the official fanfiction website. She shuddered and grabbed Ron.

"Yes. It can."

Harry cleared his throat.

**Animosity Machine**

**Hermione was thirsty.**

"What does that have anything to do with anything?" asked Ron.

Harry smirked. "You'll see."

**So she stepped into the nearest Muggle club. It was so dark she could barely see anything, and smoke obscured the rest of her vision.**

**Somebody tapped her on the shoulder.**

**"Granger?"**

"Is it Malfoy?" guessed Ron.

"Nope."

"Um, McLaggen?"

"Nope."

"Crabbe? Goyle?"

"Harry, you aren't usually this sadistic. Is something wrong?" asked Hermione, trying desperately to escape her fate.

"I guess being on this site is bringing out the James Potter in me," said Harry merrily.

"Just keep reading. I can take it," said Ron. "I can take some scumbag trying to sleep with my girlfriend, just as long as she curses them."

**It was a woman with a strangely familiar voice. Hermione could make out glasses and stiff curls.**

Hermione closed her eyes and bit her lip. Ron leaned forward, looking worried.

**"Um, do I know you?"**

**The woman relaxed.**

**"You did."**

**"Oh. Hi."**

Ron burst out laughing. The other two looked at him oddly.

"Sorry- it's just that that's so you, Hermione," he said, wiping his eyes. "Okay, go on."

**"Can I buy you a drink?"**

Ron's smile slid away like oil from water.

"If she tries to jump into bed with you, Hermione..." he warned, "I will murder her."

"I'll keep that in mind when a fictional me makes her decision," Hermione replied dryly.

**"Thanks," Hermione said gratefully. "Merlin, I could use one."**

Harry smiled as he continued.

**Half an hour later, Hermione was kinda-sorta-friends with the woman, though she didn't say her name.**

**"-he's never home, and every time I see him, he's got some new hickeys!" Hermione fumed.**

"Who's this guy? I'll beat him up for you," offered Ron.

**"I don't even know why I married that Ronald Weasley!" slurred Hermione.**

Ron looked like a kicked puppy.

**"Men," slurred the woman. "All the same- goddamn bastards..."**

**Hermione raised her bottle. "To women!" she said.**

**"To women in all their feminine glory," **

"That's creepy," put in Hermione.

**agreed the woman, bumping her bottle against Hermione's. The first few times she missed.**

**Then they downed the rest of the alcohol and stared at each other.**

**Something in Hermione's alcohol-sodden brain clicked, and then she leaned over and kissed the woman on the cheek.**

"Hermione!" yelped Ron. "How could you!"

"It wasn't me!" protested Hermione, putting up her hands.

**Then woman stared at her, then dragged Hermione's face to hers and kissed her like there was no tomorrow. Hermione kissed her back enthusiastically.**

"HERMIONE!"

**They broke apart for a moment, during which the woman said, "My place?"**

**"Yeah."**

**They Apparated to a dark, plain bedroom, and their lips crashed together again. They fell onto the bed, tearing each other's clothes off.**

Ron looked at Hermione with surprise.

"Merlin, Hermione, if I knew you wanted sex this badly-"

"End your sentence. Right there," said Hermione threateningly.

"I agree with Hermione. Merlin's pants, Ron, I didn't need those images."

"Shut up, Harry, I don't like you right now either. Who's this strange woman I'm having sex with?"

Harry cleared his throat nervously and kept reading.

**The next morning, Hermione woke up naked, in a strange room, with a killer headache, next to a woman.**

**And not just any woman.**

"A SUPERMODEL!" shouted Ron.

**The blond woman next to her was none other than Rita Skeeter.**

"Oh, Merlin, Harry, you are so getting it," growled Hermione. Harry cast a quick Shield charm, fearing for his life.

"That was low, mate," said Ron.

Harry escaped with only four hexes.

* * *

**Oh yes I did.**

**Well, this has been floating around in my mind forEVER. So I decided to do like a kind of series. I'm going to do a book of the Golden Trio, The Mauraders, the Death Eaters, the Death Eaters Jr, etc. If you have any good(meaning crack)ships, just review with them. See y'all!**


	2. Umbridge and Lemons

**I don't own HP. Sigh. WISH ME HAPPY BDAY!**

* * *

"Okay, gimme," said Ron. "I want revenge for making Hermione sleep with Skeeter.

Harry gulped.

"Oh, yes," said Ron, a smile spreading over his face.

"Merlin, Harry, you're in for it now," said Hermione.

"This is called Forever," said Ron, smirking.

**Forever**

**AN: These two are just meant to be. Seriously. Also, this contains a lemon. Don't like, don't read.**

"What's a lemon?" asked Ron. "Why would a lemon in a story be bad?" asked Harry.

Hermione almost burst out laughing and was about to tell them.

Then she realized that whatever ship Ron had picked, it was likely to be hilarious.

So she kept her mouth shut.

**Harry had had a very bad day.**

"Okay, normal so far," said Harry.

**Ron and Hermione were fighting again. He told them to get a room and stomped out.**

**He had tried to sneak into Honeydukes, but it was closed. Cho was still mad at him.**

"Still normal."

"Shut up, Harry."

**So he had wandered around until he had come across Umbridge's office. It was getting close to curfew, so Harry decided to get out his Cloak and get back to Gryffindor Tower. Before he could, however, Umbridge opened the door.**

"What's the big deal about this, Ron?"

**Or Dolores, as he to called her in his mind.**

Harry turned white.

**"Potter. In. Now," said Dolores, pointing into her office.**

**Harry stepped inside, wondering what on earth he had done wrong this time.**

**"Now, Potter, I was wondering..." said Dolores, but Harry wasn't listening.**

"Okay," said Harry, relaxing.

**Instead, he was focusing on the lovely sound of her voice**

"What?"

**and her beautiful curly hair**

"WHAT?"

**and her plump moist lips**

_"WHAT?"_

**and her sexy legs, revealed by her short pink skirt.**

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, RON!"

Ron grinned and kept reading.

**On a whim, he grabbed her beautiful face and kissed her.**

**To Harry's surprise, Dolores grabbed him and pulled him closer.**

"Oh, this is gonna be good," said Hermione, grinning.

**He put his hands on her breasts.**

Harry gagged. Hermione and Ron cackled.

**She ripped away his robes and tossed them into the corner. He fumbled for her buttons.**

**Soon, they were both completely undressed. His eyes drank in the sweet wine of her body. She grinned, took his ear and dragged him toward her.**

Harry looked on the verge of puking.

**As much as it hurt, he found he liked it. Smiling at her, he lowered his head and licked her breasts slowly. She wasn't having any of that. She grabbed him and forced him inside her.**

By now, both Ron and Harry were green and disgusted.

Hermione smiled and read aloud the rest. She didn't like it, of course, but she was used to lemons. It was worth it to see the expressions on the boys' faces.

**When they were finished, they collapsed onto the desk. He turned to look at her.**

**"I love you," he whispered.**

**"I love you too," she responded quietly. Then she reached down and grabbed him.**

**"Let's go for round two, shall we?" she asked.**

**"I don't really-"**

**"Shut up," she said, pulling him to her.**

**"Forever," he mumbled against her breasts.**

Both boys jumped up and ran to the bathroom.

Hermione chuckled at them, then went to vomit into the sink.

* * *

"All right Ron," said Harry shakily. "I have been mentally scarred. You owe me one."

"You got it," said Ron.

* * *

Felt lazy today.

Vote, lovelies. Dramione next or Ron/W twins?


	3. Lack of Mercy and Too Many Weasleys

**Haven't updated in a while. Ron/twins won! HA HA HA! Don't own HP. So sad.**

* * *

Harry took the computer, anger settling over his features.

"You will pay, Ron."

As he looked through possible revenge pieces, Ron said to Hermione, "So how bad can fanfiction be?"

"Awful."

"Oh?" Ron said, trying to keep his spirits up.

"I saw one between McGonagall, Sirius, and Ginny."

"Oh, crap," said Ron, face paper white.

"I found it!" sang Harry. Hermione grinned.

"You are so dead, Ron."

Harry cleared his throat. "And it is called Even Though!"

**Ron was rather bored.**

"I'm bored already," mumbled Ron. "Let's skip it."

**Harry was off fucking Ginny somewhere,**

"WHAT?" yelled Ron. "Is THAT what you do when I'm not around?"

**and Hermione was probably with all the sixth year boys in Ravenclaw. Even though they were all twenty-one.**

"This had better be worth it, Harry," warned Hermione.

"Oh, trust me, it is."

**Wandering around Hogsmeade,**

"How am I rather bored? I'm in Honeyduke's or Zonko's!"

**he found himself in the Hog's Head.**

"Nuh-uh. Not now, not ever."

**There was nobody there but Fred and George. Ron felt his heartbeat speed up.**

"What did you do?" asked Ron slowly.

**For a couple of weeks now, Ron had had this reaction whenever near the twins. He had tried to blow it off at first, but it had gotten stronger and stronger until he couldn't ignore it anymore. Yesterday, he had finally accepted it: he fancied them.**

"Harry!"

**No, he loved them.**

"HARRY! I WILL MURDER YOU! HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FANCY FRED AND GEORGE! FIRST HERMIONE SHAGS SKEETER, AND NOW I WANT TO SHAG MY OWN BROTHERS? HARRY, YOU'RE SICK! SICK! AND I'LL KILL YOU! YOU-KNOW-WHO WILL BE KITTIES AND PUPPIES WITH DULL TEETH NEXT TO ME!"

"Done?" asked Hermione. "I want to hear this."

"Traitor."

**Trying to control his racing heart and instant boner,**

"Did I mention I hate you?"

**Ron made his way to their table. "Hi," they chorused.**

**It was so cute when they did that.**

Hermione stifled a burst of laughter, and Ron seemed to have lost the ability to speak.

**"H-hi," he stammered. He sat down.**

**"What's up, Ronniekins?" asked Fred. Or was it George? Never mind, he loved them both just the same.**

Ron had turned from white to green to purple in seconds.

**"Uh, nothing much," he said, trying not to make an ass of himself.**

"Too late," mumbled Hermione. "Years too late."

Harry chuckled.

**"No, I can see there's something else," said the other one.**

**"What is it?" asked the first one.**

**Now or never, he thought.**

**"Um, guys?"**

**"Yes?" they said at the same time.**

**"I kind of love you. In that way. Even though we're brothers."**

Ron made some strangled, choking noises. "Please," he said hoarsely. "Have mercy. I'm your best mate! I wouldn't do this to you!"

Harry grinned and continued.

**Something in their eyes softened.**

**"Um, Ron?" asked Fred gently.**

**"Yes?" he asked, heart in his throat. If they rejected him, he wouldn't be able to live.**

It was an odd sight. Ron's eyes were bulging, face purple, neck bright red. There was a vein throbbing in his temple.

"Wait, how come he's able to tell them apart all of a sudden?" asked Hermione.

"Because he_ looooves _them," teased Harry.

**"We kind of love you, too," said George.**

**"In that way," added Fred.**

**"Even though we're brothers," finished George.**

Ron fainted dead away. Both Hermione and Harry burst out laughing.

"Should we wake him up?" asked Harry.

"Yes. Allow him to complete his torture session," laughed Hermione.

"_Rennervate."_

Ron gasped awake. "Is it done? Am I liberated?"

"Nope," grinned Harry.

**That afternoon was very pleasant for Fred, George, Ron, and his boner. Several times.**

Ron groaned and fell back onto the couch.

"Neither of you are ever going to let me live this down," he moaned.

"Absolutely not," said Hermione, offended.

"What will be next?" asked Ron, his eyes full of genuine fear.

* * *

**I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. Anyway, next up: Hermione/Dobby or Trio? You have until next Saturday to vote! A new post will be up by next Monday! I work so hard for you guys...**


	4. Idiocy and Hermione

**The Trio won by a landslide. So without further ado, let the crackshipping begin!**

* * *

Ron snatched the computer from Harry.

"I will take my revenge!"

"Ron, you wouldn't know good revenge if it bit you on the ass. Give," said Hermione imperiously. Ron handed it over meekly.

After a moment of looking at the computer, a slow smile toasted Hermione's features. Harry squeaked slightly. Ron smirked.

"My bloody brilliant girlfriend will make you pay," said Ron, kissing Hermione's cheek.

"Wait, guys?" said Hermione. "I just found something else, and I'm morbidly curious as to what it's about."

"What?" asked Ron.

"It's called Three's Company," said Hermione, gulping. "And it's featuring all three of us. I'm really, really curious, but at the same time, really, really repulsed."

"Try it," said Harry. "How bad could it possibly be?"

As it turned out, very, very bad.

* * *

**Harry strode purposefully up to Ron's bedroom. He knew he might get an eyeful of Hermione that he didn't want to see. Well, he did want to see. He wanted to see them both.**

"WHAT?" exploded Harry. "This is ridiculous! Since when have I ever 'strode purposely' anywhere?"

Hermione gulped and kept reading.

**He barged in, and, as expected, Ron and Hermione were quickly progressing to third base. Harry couldn't help but watch.**

"Perv."

"Shut up, _Won-Won." _retorted Harry.

**They jumped apart, staring at him.**

**"Hi guys. I need to tell you something," Harry said, sitting down. Hermione pulled her shirt on.**

**"Okay, I know this will sound weird"**

"Try creepy," Ron mumbled.

**"but I fancy you guys," said Harry in one breath.**

**"Fancy that," said Ron, a huge grin settling over his features as he looked at Hermione.**

**"What?"**

**"Before we snogged, we were talking about how nice it would be, to, you know-" started Hermione.**

"Never," said Ron.

"I can barely stomach snogging just one of you!" cried Hermione.

"Hey!"

**"Threesome?" interrupted Harry.**

**Ron and Hermione nodded vigorously.**

Ron let out a small strangled shriek.

**The rest of the afternoon was a complete porn-fest**

"Hang on, what? It goes from terrible to nauseating that fast?" asked Harry, face green.

**which may or may not have involved Hermione's big ginger cat.**

Hermione screamed and ran for the bathroom.

Harry and Ron were right behind her.

* * *

**IMPORTANT NOTE**

**Any comments voting for both ships will be disregarded, as will requests to do two fake fics in one chapter. However, new crackship requests are always welcome! Next voting ships below.**

**Okay, okay, I know it's short, don't kill me! I totally forgot about this fanfiction for a couple of days 'cause I was working on another story (it's called Fixing James... I'm a fast updater... it's funny... *nudge nudge* GO FUCKING READ IT ALREADY) and since I like to keep promises, I had to rush. I hope it's all right. And now you have the power to choose between...**

***drumroll***

**Hermione/Dobby or Ron/Molly!**


	5. Expensive Shit and Sexy Molly

**Ron/Molly it is. Also, this is in an AU in which everyone but Lily, James, and Pettigrew are alive.**

* * *

"Hermione I'm going to kill you," croaked Ron, turning on the faucet and washing his mouth out.

Hermione was still retching.

"Gah. Who could have such a twisted brain?" asked Harry, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

"I need to crush something," announced Hermione, pulling her head away from the toilet bowl. She looked around, shoved Ron out of the way, and blasted the toothpaste tube.

"Oi! That shit's expensive!" said Harry indignantly. Ron gave him a funny look.

"No, it's not."

"Well, I'm always at Auror Academy, and Ginny's still training for the Harpies all the time," Harry defended. "It's not like we get much of an income."

Ron stared at him in disbelief.

"You're bloody Harry Potter! The Ministry awarded you half the galleons in circulation!" he sputtered. "How do you not have 'that much of an income!'"

_"And _you just got a brand-new computer!" Hermione piped up.

"Well, we gave most of it to rebuilding after Voldemort. A good chunk went to hiring psychologists, actually."

"Bloody unbelievable," muttered Ron, heading back to the living room.

Harry and Hermione raced after him. Knowing Ron, he would pick something even worse.

* * *

Harry grabbed the computer as soon as they got back.

"Yes!" cheered Ron. "Make her pay!"

"No," said Harry. "You gave her the computer! You deserve to suffer!"

Hermione sighed in relief.

"In what world is that fair?" yelped Ron, outraged. He jumped on Harry, wrestling him for the computer. Hermione joined the fray, fighting tooth and nail to keep Ron from getting the computer.

When Ron finally flopped back, biting his nails, Hermione sat behind Harry, helping him find a fanfiction.

"Ooh, pick that one!" she said excitedly, pointing. Harry looked and turned red with contained laughter. He clicked on it, Hermione reading over his shoulder.

"Forbidden Passion," he began.

Ron started rocking. "Oh, dear Merlin, I apologize for all my sins. I'm sorry for the time I stepped on that first-year's foot. I'm sorry I scared this year's group of new Aurors even though I'm only two years older than they are. I'm sorry I made fun of Seamus for wanting to ask out Katie."

"Don't forget half of sixth year," added Hermione, thoroughly enjoying herself.

Ron nodded vigorously. "I'm sorry I ever even looked at Lavender."

Harry cleared his throat.

"Go ahead, Harry," said Hermione, getting herself a glass of icewine.

**"AND I HATE YOU!" screamed Hermione shrilly. **

Hermione choked on her drink.

**She threw a plate at his head. Ronald ducked and held up his hands.**

**"Hermione, I love you!" he pleaded. "You, only you, forever you!"**

Ron pretended to gag. "Why is this hideous excuse for an author calling me Ronald? And honestly, I would never say anything like that!" he said disgustedly.

**"OH YEAH?" shrieked Hermione. "THEN WHY DID YOU HAVE THIS IN YOUR BAG?" She brandished a pearl necklace at him.**

"Why am I complaining about Ron buying pearls? The most he's ever gotten me is toothpaste," said Hermione, pouring herself more icewine.

**"It was for you!" Ronald protested.**

**"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! I SHOULD'VE SCREWED DRAKEY WHEN HE ASKED! HE WOULD'VE TREATED ME RIGHT!" Hermione screamed. She sashayed out, and finally the whiny little bitch was gone from Ronald's life and into Draco Malfoy's arms.**

Hermione spit out her wine.

"What?" she yelped. "I'm not a whiny little bitch, and since when do I refer to Draco as Drakey?" cried Hermione. "Ugh, I need something stronger for this shit."

Ron raised his eyebrows.

"You refer to him as Draco now?"

"Shut up, Ron, he works in my department. Turns out he's a pretty nice guy," growled Hermione, getting up to grab a bottle of firewhiskey.

**Ronald sat gracefully**

"Yeah, right," muttered a now-tipsy Hermione.

**on the loveseat. He knew just who to call.**

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh Merlin save me oh crap-"

**He waved his wand and a Patronus burst out. Ronald knelt by his Patronus, which was now a swan: a beautiful, elegant animal.**

Hermione let out a loud "HA!" Ron sent her a reproachful glare.

"I can be beautiful and elegant!" he boasted.

"Tell that to your fourteen year old self, Yule Ball," Hermione retorted.

**"Come. I need you now," he told it. "You know where to go.**

Ron let out a kind of whimper vaguely reminiscent of Moaning Myrtle after it rained.

**In a few minutes, he heard a faint pop. Ronald smiled. She was here.**

Ron relaxed minimally. "At least I'm not gay here," he said faintly.

**He turned. Standing there, in all her beauty, was Molly Weasley.**

Ron screamed. Long and loud, the Fat Lady would've been proud. Then he threw a tantrum similar to when Kreacher visited Harry's aunt and uncle's house before his sixth year.

"Ron, pull yourself together," Harry said finally. Ron quieted and sat ramrod straight, though they were reclining on soft armchairs.

**Molly stepped delicately over to him.**

**"Ronald," she said softly, putting her hands on his face. "What's wrong?"**

**Ronald found it suddenly hard to focus, as Molly's slim legs pressed against his, and her blouse allowed him a lovely view of her cleavage.**

Ron got up and walked slowly out the door. Hermione sighed and got up to retrieve him.

When they came back, Ron seemed to be in some sort of comatose state. Harry continued to read anyway.

**"I need you," said Ronald huskily.**

**"Oh, Ronald-" Molly's eyes fluttered closed as he began trailing kisses down her neck.**

"Harry." Harry ignored Ron.

**Ronald found Molly's blouse blocked his access, and so pulled it off. He allowed his fingers to graze the skin just above Molly's bra. He finally captured her lips in a kiss.**

_"Harry," _said Ron again, more insistent.

**As they kissed passionately, Ronald's fingers worked at the clasp of Molly's bra. After the tiresome garment had finally been tossed to the side, he drew his tongue slowly over her breast. Molly moaned. Ronald put his mouth over her nipp-**

"_Sardnaclosus," _said Ron quietly, pointing his wand at Harry. Harry snorted involuntarily, and then sardines began spewing from his nose. Harry thrust the computer away from him and conjured a bucket, staring daggers at Ron.

Hermione had meanwhile been working her way through Harry's liquor cabinet, one thing that Harry and Ginny didn't skimp on. She was now pretty drunk. She was setting off small green and purple firecrackers, giggling like a child at each one.

Ginny chose this moment to walk in the door, calling her last goodbyes over her shoulder.

"What the- " Her mouth fell open as she surveyed the scene: her fiance with tiny silver fish gushing out of his nose like a faucet, her brother sitting white and frozen, and her best friend as drunk as a sailor.

"Merlin help me."

* * *

**So! You like? Now, lovie-dovies, you get to vote on two things! Will Ginny read fanfiction with her, um, family/fiance/friends? And, will they read Dramione or Drarry next? Toodles!**


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